It's not "DRINK COKE," but...

Shmaltz Brewing, the guys behind HeBrew beer (kosher and delicious!), have started a new venture called Coney Island Lager. I'm sure the beer is great, and I admire their reasons for doing it -- some of the proceeds are going to a charitable organization dedicated to supporting, as they put it, "lost forms of American popular arts and culture." But... well, take a look at the labels. When I look at the one in the middle and the one on the right, I'm suddenly not thinking about beer anymore.

Holiday snaps

During my two weeks in California recently, I...

* Toured Santa Barbara wine country, hit five wineries in two days and spent way more money than I really should have spent.

* Finished two books.

* Went to Disneyland for the first time in ten years and was reminded of how much fun that place is.

* Performed best-man duties at a wedding, including a well-received toast that mentioned coffee shops, missing cufflinks and largemouth bass juggling.

* Ate more burgers in two weeks than I have in the last five years. (I'm so glad that there are no In-N-Out Burger locations in New York, otherwise I'd weigh 400 pounds.)

* Turned one year older and celebrated by catching up with family while consuming my grandmother's spectacularly tasty key lime pie.

* Encountered the elusive Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon in public. Twice.

* Got my wife hooked on cheese plates.

* Walked around Ventura in a half-drunk stupor at 2 AM looking for something to eat before realizing that nothing in Ventura is open past midnight.

* Helped arrange/attended a bachelor party in which I witnessed a man vomiting on a stripper. Which was kind of the most amazing thing ever, even more so because she shrugged it off and hung out to dance some more.

All in all, a decent time was had.

That'll stick.

I just realized that the woman who cuts my hair has a daughter who works with her. Her daughter looks like Sativa Rose. Thinking about this while her mother has scissors to your head is just a cornucopia of mixed emotions.

FAWESOME.

According to the latest Criterion newsletter, they're getting into the Guy Maddin business. A little spotted mousie told me so. Odds are that it's Careful, but I can't help but think it'd be super if it turned out to be Brand Upon the Brain!.

Even a blind squirrel...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you quite possibly the only funny LOLcat in existence.

Unforeseen expenses

So I recently spent $114 on a bottle of beer. No, really.

Here's what happened: My father-in-law was helping remodel the bathroom in the apartment where my wife and I currently reside. During the work, he apparently developed a powerful thirst that could only be slaked by beer. He goes into the fridge and pulls out a beer. Later, I show up to get a couple of things from the apartment. He tells me, "Hey, this beer was pretty good," and hands me an empty bottle.

An empty bottle of Stone Vertical Epic Ale 2003.

See, we weren't staying in the apartment during the remodeling, and because of that, I wasn't keeping any cold beer handy. The only thing in the fridge, buried way in the back, was my Vertical Epic collection. Furthermore, while I have backup bottles on the '06 and '07, I had no such moment of foresight for the older vintages. So that's how a bottle that cost me seven bucks when I bought it five years ago set me back three figures when I replaced it via the magic of eBay.

I can't complain too much, though. I did get a free bathroom out of it.

And I wonder why I'm goofy for her.

Instead of traditional hearts-and-flowers stuff, my wife decided for Valentine's Day to buy me something that:

A) I would really, really love

B) We would both enjoy.

So she gets me the "All My Stuff" George Carlin DVD stand-up boxed set. Best. Gift. Ever.